Folks, sometimes when we try to sound smart, we show how stupid we really are. Case in point: The 40-ish guy on one of the house hunting TV shows. He and his wife were looking for a house in the $1.5 million range in Belize. When they made their choice, the man was extolling its virtues. Wanting, I suppose, to point out the best feature, he said "And as the coup d'etat, . . . "

Really? The coup d'etat, huh? I realize that Belize is in the Caribbean, but aren't the days of coup d'etats in banana republics gone? And if not, why are you spending $1.5 million in a country whose government was just overthrown by the military? More important, how did someone stupid enough to use "coup d'etat" instead of "coup de grace" ever earn enough money to buy a f---ing $1.5 million house?

Today's lesson -- There is no justice; the stupid have inherited the earth. Those of us who learned to speak and to write properly, safe in the knowledge that our erudition would earn us good jobs (and, of course, the rewaqrds that go with them), can wail and gnash our teeth while the dipshits laugh all the way to the bank. Sob!

Next time, I'll wax furious at the increasingly popular practice of turning nouns into verbs.

Verb the Noun

Ow! My head hurts, and no amount of analgesic will make it better. The cause? One of the worse cases of cerbing nouns that I have seen.

Lowe's (home improvement centers) is heavily airing its new Christmas commercials. The tag line for the various spots is the phrase "Let's holiday this season." Oy!

This is just wrong. Because I couldn't find contact information on its website, I sent an email to its ad agency, BBDO Worldwide. (Wasn't Susan what's her name just thrilled to hear from me?) Do I have too much time on my hands? Perhaps. But, ladies and gentlemen, it is up to us, i.e., those who give a crap about what enters our brains via the spoken and written word, to let those who clearly do not give a crap know that they should, in fact, give a crap. So, i wrote to Susan, as follows:

"Let’s holiday this season? Or, perhaps, let’s not. And let’s not stupid the airwaves any more than we have already done so.
Please! Just because it’s advertising, it does not have to be inane. It does not need to involve pseudo hip-speak. It really does not need to make the hair on the back of my neck stand on end.
How about correct grammar, for a change?"

In case you were wondering, no, I haven't heard back from Susan. But I do feel a bit better knowing that I took a stand.

And you can, too.

• Complain to your local news station about the cute little anchor's eggregious verbal gaffe!
• Tell the phamaceutical company that their ad is causing you far more anxiety than their wonder drug could ever cure.
• And, yes, be bold enough to tell the sphincter-brained chum who asks you "Who do you office with?" that you're giving him a 5-second head start and then you're going after his gonads with a keychein penknife. (Seriously, when I was still practicing law, I was asked this question on more than one occasion, by more than one person.)

Gee. Isn't it great to know that while our economy is collapsing, war is raging in the Middle East and elsewhere, and the magnificent silverback gorilla is damned near extinction, someone in Podunk, Ohio is spouting off about grammar? Sure as hell makes me feel great.

Why grammar? Why now?

Why grammar? Why now?

• The 2008 presidential election is one week away.
• The U.S. economy is in the tank, and it appears that the economic infrastructures of the European Union and several other countries around the globe are following suit.
• Osama Bin Laden is still at large. So is George Bush.
• I could go on, but my antidepressants aren't strong enough to handle the potential repercussions.

So why am I taking this opportunity to carp about grammar? Primarily, because I've been carping about Americans' propensity to mutilate the English language for years to a very narrow circle of people, and I just realized that a blog would allow me to spread my carp farther and wider.

In addition, I am a home improvement show junkie. And, damn! There's something about the linguistic feces that TV hosts (who, incidentially, who get paid to speak) toss about so freely that makes me want to snip out their tongues with old pruning shears. Venting on a blog, however, is more socially acceptable and doesn't carry criminal penalties, yet it's almost as satisfying. So I've opted for the safer route.

Now, before going any farther, I should give you a disclaimer or two. First, my rantings will likely not be limited to poor grammar, but will also include bad vocabulary, the practice I call "verbing nouns," jargon, and other verbal faux pas.

Second, I suppose, given that grammar is a small portion of these verbal faux pas that make the hair on the back of my neck stand on end, the name of this blog should be the first target of my ire. Rather than "grammar," the word I really want encompasses much more. In my defense, though, I didn't change the name of the blog because I am a techno-idiot and don't know how to do it.

Third, I am quite sure that readers (There will be readers, won't there? Please?!) will have many occasions to criticize the critic by pointing out my own lapse in syntax, misspelling, and even grammar. I am not verbally perfect. I've gotten over it; so should you.

So, stay tuned. Have fun. Write about your own verbal bugaboos.

Talk to you soon!